LOVE!!

I am not an expert in love.But love intrigues me as much as it does  you.A friend  clarifies that love is a fancy emotion only for the privileged,  only the rare experience it , the rest live in the illusion of love. Another believes, love comes to you when you stop looking for it.A crude one states,'there's nothing like love, its all about sex'.I rectify, if its kissing and sleeping with the same person forever ,then you my dear, are in love!

The dimensions of love are boundless . It's love when he says that  you are the most beautiful woman, even with all the chunks of fat  flattering your body, post pregnancy. You learn that she fed herself with some rice and pickle after a hard tiring day. It makes your heart whine.Love wants you to do everything with your better half in mind.It makes you enter the kitchen which witnessed you all these years take an exit, wiping hands ,after a sumptuous meal. But . today you stand armed with knife and onion , tearing copiously as the sting hurts your eyes,braving that cut on your finger, imagining the delight on her face when she eats her favorite,'baingan ka bharta'. Love makes you poetic and you don't want to see that breathtaking sunset alone, anymore.Even in the anger, there is love,its concealed, insecure to be misused, wanting to be reciprocated.Love lets you be vulnerable in front of her knowing that you won't be judged. You can cry, crack a lame joke, throw a tantrum, be a child, yet know he won't misjudge you for being childish.Love shields you on a rough day in the form of a warm tight hug.Love is liberating!

Go tell your wife how lucky you are to have her in your life, get up and hug your husband and let him know he brings a smile on your face every time he looks at you, go out and pat your dog, he has always loved you unconditionally,pick that phone and call your mum and tell her you wouldn't be where you are without her and make sure you remind papa, he is always your hero!

Don't waste anymore time, fighting, bickering, cribbing, hiding your feelings-let them out-LOVE!

So, would you like to go ahead?

I tried to maintain my composure after settling  and unsettling my hair ten times. I was brimming with joy  and kept a constant track on my phone. He could be home any time.

Mr. Shy was in India and this weekend he was visiting me. After all these months, finally.

My heart did not skip a beat nor my cheeks were burning red. He was just 500 meters away now and I walked to bring him home. If only, happiness had a description. I was enthusiastic to meet this guy seen and heard only across the screen.Honestly, there was no air of romantic love though, but there was love.

From a distance, I saw this guy walking  down, leaning towards the left, one hand in pocket and the other holding a box. A view closer and it was him.I went running into him ( like Kajol in DDLJ) and thankfully did not push him on the ground.

Is he the one?I silenced the thousand questions popping in my mind. I was happy . I could see him in flesh and blood. I was thrilled.

We were left comfortably in each others company. Within a few minutes, he asked me in the least romantic way, if I was willing to go ahead. Roses and rings,  went down the drains.I didn't let this disappoint me.It was a small  but a significant desire of the bigger picture. At the same time,  I wasn't in a jiffy to reply.
He was persistent as usual.He calmly asked me again at lunch.It was important for me to know what made him think that we were a match. The response was simple, 'I just feel right about it'.

Even though it's an arranged marriage , I have never negated the essence of love. I wanted to marry for love. I knew , I am fond of this guy, who can be extremely cold and indifferent. But,then I respected  him for what he is sans any imitation and diplomacy. He is not dominating or overpowering. I can always get my point across even though he may not agree. We can have squabbles but he's always there . He doesn't admit to his mistakes and that annoys me . He notices the unnoticeable about me . Love? He was not in love and  he cleared  it.

By the evening,  he asked again. I refused.. He concealed his disappointment with a straight face.I looked at him one last time.I felt my heart shredding. So, this was it, I won't see you again, I won't fight with you again,you won't make me smile again,you wont be there around anymore? He had such a control on his nerves . He didn't demand any reason. He was upset  and got up to leave. And my heart winced,' Oh, why couldn't your reason be love?' I didn't want him to go.

The adieu hug suddenly transformed into a never ending one.As tears rolled down my cheeks,he kissed me.The silly No was actually a jubilant Yes!!

Relationships can't be reasoned out.You just know it in your gut.Whether it's the stars which conspired us to meet or the matrimonial website  magic,we were to happen and  we are together. Only if, happiness could be described in a sound or a word.

He doesn't know if its love  but we are here to stay.I still hope, he will go down on his knees and propose  me with a ring , when he knows its love. The box was an exquisite brand of chocolates,  bought on discount.  We are getting married! And, I am in love, not hopelessly or passionately,  but in love and couldn't have loved anybody else more!

Confessions of a confused mind!

I was checking my emails, the other day and came across a message, sent by Mr. Shy.It was dated almost 4 months back. Four months of 'communication', began with a struggle to start a conversation, developed with tiffs and arguments, spotted with foolish tears,frozen with unexplained nonchalance and moments when you felt in love, out of love and no love!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going to meet Mr. Shy, in person, in the following two weeks!! I am absolutely excited about meeting this guy ,with whom,  I've shared  the most ridiculous  random thoughts ( where halfway through the sentence, I realise that he really did  not need to know this).
But, the question of marriage leaves me flummoxed. The conundrum is exacerbated by his silence and my spontaneity. Objectively, it appears, I am over the top about him and he is down in the dumps ,when it comes to me.

We talk but we aren't inseparable. I might just miss my lunch to speak to him but he bluntly puts away the conversation as he has to sleep.He does sense it ,if I am low but says the most lovable things, he doesn't mean.He smiles when I talk .He notices things about me which I overlook,for instance, smiling with my pearly whites invites a cheerful conversation ,however,a smile with pursed lips indicates a moral science lecture ahead.He catches instantly what ticks me off but doesn't do a thing about it.He is supportive for my career prospects abroad but owing to the arduous process it involves , suggests for an alternate career path. An altercation has never concluded in separate ways, we 've survived them so far.I can't fathom his thoughts nor his silence.I feel silly and absurd that I made him say that he likes me, did I just force him to say? Is he really  the man I want to marry who slept peacefully after making me cry terribly?Alright, he did make up for it the next day but did I just give in to soon? And, should I marry the man who was enjoying few drinks in the bar while I was burning under the scorching sun, in a fix, trying to reach him out?
And shouldn't I marry this man , who took all the nasty outburst after the above two incidents, in his stride, continued to smile, and just sat there until I vented out? And should I believe in his gut feeling which saved us from calling off when I  termed us as incompatible?I gave up, but he didn't.

There's no love, of course its too early ( plus, it's an arranged set up), but I wonder if there is scope for love? He doesn't display any care or affection.There is an acute deficiency of tenderness, love and care and the word pampering doesn't exist for him. Nevertheless, I have an instinct,  he isn't  all that cold and inexpressive and maybe there's a lot to share when we meet . We have become good friends . Even, if it doesn't work out, his thought will always bring a smile on my face.

Thanks for bearing through my gorgeous readers, love, live, laugh!

The wait.

 I stood at the end of the queue, at the ' mahila ticket counter' . People huddled up to escape the unexpected shower. Two little sisters played around their tired- to- the- bones mother.The drizzling was constant and people continued to squeeze under the small roof.I managed to smile wryly at the playful girls who stuffed their mouths with  'kurkure'.My stomach gurgled.A voice echoed from the ticket counter that the bus will arrive in another ten minutes.I waited in anticipation.


 The misty breeze brought an air of romance to the newly weds who took shelter under the tea stall. The 'chuda' clicked as the girl clipped her hair back. Though personally, I wouldn't prefer to wear chuda except for the D -day, I see a lot of women like the bright red dozens on their wrists, for more than an year.Her husband's back was bent under the load of a rucksack. He flexed his arms as he picked up another loaded bag.The girl insisted that she would carry one of the bags.The guy ignored her pleas and continued to walk. 'Dear stud husband', my heart said,' please pull the handle of the bag and just roll it'. Well, at other corner, a family from Punjab made the tiny space available, their home. They opened up their aloo paranthas and sipped tea with it.Meanwhile. women  discussed shopping and men made elaborate dining and wining plans.

Everybody was fatigued and waited to return home. The morning soapy odour was substituted by the stinking sweat of the day's labour. The crisp tucked in shirts were hanging  out partly on the bellies.The other hand supported a bag. The eyes looked clueless afar.The soiled shoes had telltale signs of rough terrain.The lines on the face conveyed the struggle of a living.And then the smiles returned in the  wake of optimism, for the day ahead. The reuniting with the family or may be savoring the food cooked by the beloved wife.Every face depicted a story.

The bus blared, the energy returned instantly.Home was not far now.

Maybe/Definitely.

It's that 'relation' which you cannot give a name . You communicate like friends and you know,  if it doesn't undergo the coveted metamorphosis,  the friendship feathers off as well . You can't rightfully demand nor can you bear the indifference. Probably,  it's the breakpoint. You take it or leave it.

After two weeks of discontent and unpleasantness,  where you don't raise any fights,just jostle in random sarcasm ( ok, that's me) and tersely respond; the volcano erupted. Mr. Shy is extraordinarily patient and annoyingly calm. His silence is unimaginable to fathom.Excuse me, I am not a mind reader!He just lets everything pass , leaving me hang in oblivion. To refresh your memory,  we have been in two totally different countries, haven't met and the video screen brings us the closest. So, darling if you don't communicate verbally,  I am left with assumptions and presumptions.  So, for me, the story was quite over.

But, why was I battling with my head and heart? I could sense it reasonably that we are not compatible. Yes,the idea to announce it to my parents was disturbing. I had a clear notion that I wasn't up for a constant rumbling and rustling relation . We had talked about the  brick bats and discontent. But,we were still there,doing the same thing. However,  I had stuffed myself with cakes and cookies and cried under the covers (dried them up instantly for cying over a fool who didn't even care) .By the evening,  I as convinced,  I am all good and fair . And he called.

For once, I hoped against hopes that he would say something. Mr . shy sat grumpily and I missed his smile. What's wrong with you girl,  it's his turn to break the ice, don't melt!That bag of inflated ego did not deflate. Totally under control,  as if it was just another day.I was determined, I wouldn't relent.I made it clear,this was our last conversation,  his one last cance to work those gifted larynx.

He didn't leave,  he just didn't! The only thing he said was if it's the last time,  I won't go.He just sat there under the pretext he is happy to look at me. He just wouldn't budge,wow, he was missing his precious sleep . He also said,  he wouldn't ever miss me, remember may be . Now you are confusing me, you don't go, you dont say and you love your pseudo ego!

He is convinced it will work, I am confused. I like him, but can I really marry him? He has suddenly improved and I am speculating how long will this niceness last . I hope forever. 

Roman-tick!

Hello folks, I received a call from the customer care service of one of the matrimonial websites,  announcing the expiry of my account and offering a rebate on yearly services. She sounded animated while explaining the various schemes whereas my focus was stuck at the mention of,  'yearly'! Salt in wound, did she underestimate my scope to find a husband?With time , I have become a tough nut and my parents are adjusting as well.

Nevertheless,  some of you may think how impish it is to have a deadline to find a groom.Moreover, you want to harp, commit when the heart feels right and the gut doesn't squirm. I have all these politically correct notions embedded in my mind.But, isn't it an arranged marriage where you dive relying on you parents, siblings, uncles, aunts and your dog's instincts and likings . Alright,  I am being too paranoid and judgemental,  your own heart collaborates with the brain and churns some sensory-motor responses which pushes you for the insane dive.

So, I have been introspecting lately. Those who envision me as a grumpy, grey haired 29 years old woman desperate to get married, allow me to rectify your distorted vision.I am a fairly attractive and an amiable person who finds her wide ear to ear grin sexier than the kiss in the air pout! I'm down rightly sarcastic but all in good faith. The grey hair part is true and I am not desperate to marry to break my  'virginity ka vrat.'
         

I have a bunch of married friends with a common complaint - romance dies after the first two years of marriage. Mind you, these were the ones truly , deeply and madly in love with each other . The flowers wilt in the first year and the kisses fade by the second.By the fifth, surprise is an obsolete term.The demand for a birthday present,  is a cake. Apparently,  this is the happily married package.When I re read this part, it sounds very biased and negative. No offense, I still believe in the happy romantic couples!

As my Mr. Shy claims, setting the expectations right at the outset . Now,  thats an unrealistic claim . What life sans the surprise of a rose, an unexpected hug and a tiffany box! Surprisingly,  shy and me are friends now.He is a typical man when it comes to owning up a  mistake but doesnt let me frown for long . He is still not vocal about his feelings but doesn't imply that he  is immune to me.I have been completely impulsive and obnoxious;I made him say, 'I like you' ;almost at gunpoint. He looked so adorably shy, with  his eyes go into the most conspicuous involuntary reflex!

No, I am not sending you any wrong signals.We are 'just friends'.Love will come, when he willingly massages my tired feet and I happily ignore  that he didn't notice my new haircut!keep laughing...xoxo

And she will be loved!

She was happy in her own world. A child's heart and a dreamers eyes . She was loved and pampered. She cared and smiled. So, she was always surrounded by friends and she had liked one for long ,long years from school.

She had always abandoned those teen feelings as fleeting moments of infatuation. He had teased her and pulled her pigtails. He liked someone else and she prayed for their togetherness, she couldn't see him unhappy. He was oblivious to her ,the heart which skipped a beat ,watching him afar in  the morning assembly . The day she mustered some some courage to reveal it to her best friend,  the best friend stunned her with his own sweet love and admiration for her . The heart became an unsolved mystery. She decided to stay away from such alien feelings. She let it sink in some remote corner of her subliminal mind. And almost after a decade , it came back looking for her.

Ain't it love?The first bouquet of red roses and the box of chocolates felt inseparable for months . The wrappers almost found fame in the beautifully decorated chestnut. With every day pass by,the excitement to meet rose and surged. Oh,  someone please ally the heart, it feels so surreal . They held hands and found the future calling them.She was the queen of his heart .They kissed and hugged,fought and cried,planned and executed . They were us not I.

They thought they had passed the test of time and love, in the  5 good years of staying in two different cities,meeting scarcely,almost 5 times annually, trusting their instinct and love alone . The predicament lied ahead. The unforseen ripped them apart . The indispensables  surrendered before destiny.

Needlessly, the sound of a crashing heart is indescribable. Time passed and she decided to treasure the love in her memories .She felt grateful to have been loved and to have loved once.She smiled reading a quote by Tennyson, 'it is better to have
loved and lost, than never have been loved at all.'.She was ready to turn a new leaf.

Did you want her to drown in her sorrow? Was it immoral of her to move on?How fair was it on his part to take her on guilt drives for moving on?Didn't he know she lost someone precious while fighting for them?oh could you stop plaguing her mind for the wrong she never did .


She is cautious and careful in matters of heart.She hides her apprehensions with her constant chatter. She is a natural and showers love and care.She wants to live her life and cherish every day. She deserves happiness with open arms again!